Chapter 4

After being pushed back into the city, poor Douglas had no choice but to go to his office. It was on the same level as Frederick’s and Amos’ so he had a decent view of all the citizens returning to their lives as usual. It was rather unsettling to him the ease they had going back to normal so quickly when he was so distraught.

Was it really so simple for them? Dump a couple of people and it was all fixed? At some other point, Douglas would've hoped so. However, it was frusterating that he knew this couldn't possibly be the solution. It didn't cross his mind as the citizens would've liked but, as a Something for nearly his entire life, he couldn't understand what they were thinking.

Things of the Frontier cared about their city and it's advancements. If anything blocked that flow, they were outcasted. Fedora was a huge risk to take in back in the day and he had his uses. Now he had long outlived them and a Something had paid the price. All Douglas could do was hope they made it safely to the other side of the landbridge that connected the Frontier to the Grand Mesa. It wasn’t an easy journey if you weren’t prepared for it. No shade, no shrubbery or grass. It was solid, burning hot clay. He began to recount the state of his acquaintances.

Frederick was well past his prime. Had he walked more than around the office building? It'd been decades since he'd been out the Frontier!

Caesar was much different from the Raptors he saw in his youth. Smaller and his health was in shambles.

Coughy seemed to be the only one with any chance.

Douglas was glad to have impulsively taken action - grabbing an old backpack he had off the coat rack by his door and dumped any snacks he had in his desk drawer. Then filled various containers with water and stuffed them in too. On his way to follow the crowds carrying them out, he had stolen a precious object from his rival, Amos Samuels. The motion was last minute but the temptation of seeing it through the carelessly open door to Amos’ office made it a sudden plan.

Out on the steps of the Pedestal, the trio were clambering down it's many steps toward the bridge. Frederick began to rifle through the pack. There it was! He let out a whoop of joy and snatched it out.

“Would you look at that!” he cheered. “Caesar! Don’t you recognize it?! It’s your invention! The one that got you inside the Frontier to begin with.” He let the end of the sentence trail off, since that was debatably a celebratory moment now. Caesar, as usual, didn’t respond and stared with dozing eyes.

“Oh wow!” gawked Coughy in awe. “Is that the Walkie Talkie?”

“It is! We were hoping to turn these into proper phones without any wires. This way we could walk and talk, hence the name.” explained Frederick as he carefully showed it to him. “I press this button here and I can talk into it and whoever has the other one can talk to us!” He tested it now. “Hello? Anyone there?”

Static erupted after a moment of silence and the soft voice of Douglas Coir was heard. “I’m here. Frederick, is that you? It’s Douglas.”

“It is me, my friend, it is me!” laughed Frederick. “You’re really saving our hides. We’ve got just enough water to make it, I believe. And the Walkie Talkie, how did you manage to sneak it away from Amos?”

“There’s more to me than looks and degrees!” chuckled Douglas. “That Amos is easy to sneak stuff from. I suppose the situation now is that you’re going to rescue Derby to earn your way back home. The obvious first step would be to make your way to Mesatown. I’m not sure of the reception to your arrival so, I’ve been going through a list of businesses that are still active there. I’m hoping you can get help from some of your old friends. It looks like there’s the Mesatown Inn, Bristles and Buckets, Stubborn Ingot Saloon-”

“The Stubborn Ingot Saloon!” Frederick hooped and hollered. “I know them! I know them!” he chanted before he realized that Douglas was still listing names because Frederick hadn’t pressed the button down to talk. He did so and said “The Stubborn Ingot Saloon! I can’t believe those old buzzards are still kicking!”

“Good, good. That’s where you need to go then. I’m sure your friends will be happy to help. I’ll check in when the evening arrives. I hope the Walkie-Talkie signal will go out that far.”

Frederick looked to Caesar for an answer on that. The raptor gave a stiff and small nod.

“Oh, and Frederick?” said Douglas.

“Yes?”

“I don’t know if this has any value, but I knew you would rescue Derby regardless of what the citizens put you up to.”

“Thanks, old friend. It does have value.”

While Frederick was focusing on the situation at hand, it looked like Douglas Coir would be staying in his office even long after the riots were over. He’d become used to it but he had been looking forward to going home to his most expensive investment- a nice bed. Being so tall made his posture all awkward from going under doorways and making himself smaller around others. His age didn’t help his condition either. That bed was specifically tailored for him and supported his joints perfectly. His lower back popped as he adjusted his posture in his chair. Then the knees. Finally, the neck.

Through almost the entire duration of the riots, he had stayed in the Somethings HQ to try and coax his boss into facing the public. His reward was sleeping on the floor of his office. His mattress being the short pile blue-gray office carpet instead of the king sized memory foam he had custom made.

It was tempting to kick himself for wanting to help so much that he was risking his health and sanity. The hypocrisy he suddenly felt since that was always telling patients to never do. It seemed to be the theme when anything found himself in stressful situations. When the foundation of life crumbles, it leads to all sorts of thoughts and perspectives one wouldn’t normally think.

Douglas stowed the Walkie Talkie out of site but not out of mind in the drawer under his writing hand. There didn’t seem to be an immediate danger for now so it was time for a walk around to clear his mind. In fact, maybe this would be a good time to comfort and guide his coworkers to keep the wheels turning.

Douglas made his way to the Somethings lobby and was shocked to see that the Somethings themselves were laying around and chatting. Quincy had relaxed on a sofa with his head propped up by pillows, while RickMick McBrickman had himself a cozy fort out of cushions and Dewey was casually leaning against the wall with a cup of hot chocolate.

“What is this?!” gawked Douglas. “Derby is missing and we should be working to keep the Frontier in order until they are found!”

“That’s Frederick’s job!” spat a dozing Quincy.

“Frederick isn’t here and he won’t be back until…” Douglas thought for a moment and couldn’t put a time frame in mind. He had no idea of Derby’s situation except that the Marauder had them which meant they could be anywhere in the Grand Mesa or even anywhere in the Known World. “Perhaps if you don’t want to do your usual tasks, then maybe you can help get Derby back!”

“Once again, Frederick’s job. Not ours.” hissed Quincy adjusting to a more comfortable position on the couch.

“Blessings to him but we need to kick back.” cried RickMick. “We’ve not been able to go home for ages now!”

Douglas felt a flush. Of course they didn’t want to work. They were so frazzled from this fiasco. Not a Thing had a proper night of sleep or a decent meal. He of all of them should’ve understood that best.

“You’re absolutely right, RickMick. You should all probably go home and we can get back to business as usual tomorrow. On behalf of Frederick, I’ll make sure to mark it as an excused absence in your attendance.” Douglas didn’t want to think of fixing all the attendance errors, but he decided he might as well take up some of his boss's tasks on top of his own. It was a lot, especially because the staff had been reduced to so few Somethings now. As we know, Douglas never shied from helping. One task at a time, brick by brick, he would help the Frontier be restored.

“ON BEHALF OF Frederick! ON BEHALF OF Frederick?!” screamed the gratingly energetic voice of Amos. The other Something Twiceover seemed to appear from nowhere and floated over to face Douglas (making sure he floated just an inch above him, of course). “Who made you Leader?!”

“I’m not the Leader but I have been here longer than anything! All I want is to keep the Frontier going.”

“So?!”

“So I say the Somethings deserve a day of rest before they start tackling all this! I’m going to see if I can find the other Somethings and-”

“Who died and made you leader?!” scoffed Amos. “Not Frederick, yet. Until they find his husk of body on the Mesa, the Somethings need to stand strong and keep working! We need to show our city that we can keep working no matter what!”

“How are we going to work when we’re all tired and there’s only-” Douglas paused to count. “One, two, three, four, fi- Five of us left?!”

Dewey, who was not a fan of confrontation, murmured “I'm gonna go do my forecast predictions this week.” as she rushed into her office.

“See? Dewey’s got the spirit!” cheered Amos. “Even Derby’s probably working from whatever hole they were thrown into…somehow.”

Douglas didn’t want to think about Derby being thrown into a hole or how scared they probably were. The thought of them being dead didn’t dare cross his mind. “If they’re in a hole, it’s our responsibility to get them out.”

Quincy rolled his dials at Douglas’ visible distress that Amos was smirking at. He interjected. “Please, Mr. Coir, if you want to ignore Derby being Nothing then fine, but they were an ARCHIVIST. It’s not like they were a doctor or an important sort of Something. The poor little Nothing was just hired as a morale boost, like you said.”

“That’s not what I meant!”

“Anywho, I’m with Amos.” Quincy said between a stretch then leaned up from the couch. “While you were all running around like Swanstritches with their heads cut off, I’ve been working and keeping the public up to date with the news. They know Frederick’s mission and I’m sure they’d like to know the future weather once Dewey is done with those predictions. Back to you, Amos.”

“Thanks, Quincy! Now-” but Amos was cut off.

“No, no! Derby was the only archivist who took initiative and did so much in their short time here! Remember getting data from decades ago was almost impossible but they had all that organized like that!” Douglas snapped his fingers. “They were Something! They earned it, not inherited like you all did!”

“Amos didn’t inherit his spot! In fact, he easily had the job as Something of Archives!” spat Quincy.

“I’m so glad Something thought of me during all this.” purred Amos. “Y’know, I wonder if I would’ve been the one kidnapped if I had been in Derby’s shoes.” He pulled a sad face and pretended to wipe a tear off his eyeless face. Douglas’ fuzzy exterior bristled with visible frustration as everything nodded at Amos’ words.

Douglas, beyond any comfort or stable wits, screamed the closest words to an insult he could think of in return “You never wear shoes!!”

Amos scoffed and replied. “And you have that weird nose!”

The audience of Quincy and RickMick froze. Douglas was very sensitive about that matter, but he didn’t say a word, turned on his heel and walked back into his office. After giving the door an angry slam, he slumped against it and sank onto the floor.

“Oh, this is all too much and too fast. I have no support with a whole city and organization to put back together.” he cried. “Oh, Dennis. I don’t know how to fix all this on my own. I’m sorry. I can feel that you’re stressed out too. If I had become any angrier, I’m sure you wouldn’t be able to rest.”

Douglas Coir felt that the ‘nose’ on the front of his face was tensing up. His conjoined brother didn’t respond verbally but Douglas had become used to guessing his emotions. Dennis was very sensitive to his stress so he always tried to pay mind to his conjoined and helpless brother.

What was life like before all this stress? Before Derby disappeared? When was the last time he felt peace or any hope for this dreary place?

It was quite a bit ago but not quite out of recent memory. That day Douglas remembered he had a different schedule which was rare in his monotonous yet productive life. He was requested to attend an interview and the change in schedule brought a sense of refreshment to his mind.

The last Something of Archives had retired and not a Thing had any desire to replace them. Frederick Frederick could only hope that one of the current Somethings would step in, since being Something Twiceover was now up for grabs!

It would’ve seemed Douglas may have been going for the title of Something Thriceover but his motives were more modest. The role of Something of both Forensics and Psychiatry was very taxing on his health, mentally and spiritually, and he had trusted proteges to take over at least Forensics for now. Psychiatry was a field that was passed down onto him so he was too sentimental to give up on that yet. When you were a Something, you were expected to give some sort of guidance for the future generation. Mandating laws and regulations, teaching courses or making them for others to teach, so that another Thing could replace when you wore out. That’s a lot of responsibility for such an important field that helped take care of the crime in the Frontier, so Douglas leapt at the first chance he could to a job that was a tad more relaxing.

The coconut was in high hopes as he strode up to Frederick’s office but that good mood was instantly dashed away when he saw Amos sitting in front of his boss’ desk. It was easy to guess what Amos’ intentions were. Become the first Something to be Something Thriceover, will he? Amos certainly thought that’s what Douglas’ intentions were at least, no doubt! In Amos’ mind, if Douglas was more Something than he was, then that would make him less!

Douglas Coir had more class and maturity than to show Amos any second thought and sat down next to him. Frederick was nowhere to be seen yet, but they were early. So, they sat with their heads forward. At one point, he could’ve sworn he saw the satellite take a quick swig from a flask but when he glanced, Amos was still again with his featureless face holding no true expression.

The clock passed the designated interview time and they were starting to wonder if Frederick would show up at all. They both knew he had grown extremely tired of their rivalry. Maybe he learned that they had both applied and decided to not put up with them. Douglas began to look around anxiously.

“Don’t be so tense,” Amos purred. “You can rest easy knowing he’ll choose me. It’s no loss to get sore over.”

“You always need to make every menial task so competitive!”

“You’re the one participating.”

“You just want to gloat about having three departments under your belt!”

"Oh, so you admit it! You want this job so I can’t have it!”

Before Douglas could respond the doors to Frederick’s office were thrown open and their boss ran in trying to catch his breath. He held up a resume and between breaths he announced “We have a new runner up!”

Douglas remembered how he smiled when a thin, scrawny bowler hat was shuffled into the office. How his heart warmed at the sight of new blood in the Somethings. The refreshment he was feeling earlier was starting to return. While the little derby was clearly nervous, there was a look of determination in their eyes that Douglas had missed seeing in his peers before.

“This is Derby Bowler!” introduced Frederick. “They’re a well experienced archivist from Shanty Heights-”

“A Nothing?! And one from the gutter!” exclaimed Amos.

“Shoosh!” growled Douglas.

“From across town.” corrected Frederick.

“From across town.” said Amos with a flowery tone before going back to sneering. “What makes you think that is even close to being as qualified as us?”

“They’ve done just about any job from local librarian to museum curator.”

“For the lower classes of the gutter!” growled Amos but Frederick glared at Amos so he elegantly corrected himself. “From across town!”

The hat was, rather actively, trying to maintain a good posture and anxiously keeping their eyes forward to keep eye contact with the two Somethings in front of them. Derby’s face lowered at Amos’ words.

Douglas, who was very observant of these types of behaviors. It must’ve been intimidating to come from the poorest part of town and be placed at the most prestigious place in the Frontier. Now the hat would have to show their best TO the best and must’ve been hard to guess what they expected. He glanced over at Amos and thought “Especially if one of them doesn’t have eyes.”

Frederick gave an encouraging nudge to Derby. “Tell them a bit about yourself.”

“Oh, hi! I’m Derby Bowler.“ chuckled the hat nervously. “I’m the most experienced archivist in uh, in the, uhm… Yeah.” Their words seem heavily recited and Douglas could see that their confidence was visibly dropping. No doubt the work of Amos’ glaring. Instead of letting them sputter on, he decided to step in.

With his warmest and gentlest of tones he said, “It’s very nice to meet you, Derby. I’m sure I’m in for a real competition against you!”

“Oh, I’m sorry…” murmured Derby. “I’m not trying to be trouble.”

“I know and you aren’t!” comforted Douglas. “It will be a fun learning experience!”

“Twill bee fun lewning expeweins.” mocked Amos under his breath.

“Golly, wait, aren’t you Douglas Coir?” gasped Derby.

“I certainly am!” said Douglas with a laugh. He turned to Amos and let out a breath that carried a little more burden than usual. “That one frowning over there is Amos Samuels.”

Derby’s brim wilted like a flower petal. “I-I’m a-against y-y-you two?”

“Yep!” interjected Frederick before Douglas could comfort. He pushed Douglas’ chair apart from Amos’ and put a chair for Derby right in the middle.

“So, Douglas, Derby, Amos. Thank y’all for appearing today!” started Frederick. He placed Derby’s resume between Douglas’ and Amos’. Their resume was a pamphlet between the two novels that the Somethings had. “So we’ll get started with a simple question. Why did you apply? We’ll start alphabetically! Amos, you first!”

“BOWLER.” corrected Amos. “I believe that’s the last name of the little Nothing.”

“AMOS. I’m going by first names.”

“Isn’t it more formal to do last names? Like really! I think-”

“It’s not like you to get roused about goin’ first! If we go by last names, you’ll be last.” spat Frederick. “Unless you insist-“

Amos went ahead. “For starters, the Frontier could use my organization skills. I have my own system that I use for my work. The last Thing would lazily let any article collect dust in their archives. My system is extremely efficient with not just preservation but also making copies and keeping them updated! I’m willing to share it with the whole Frontier in the placement of this job! I really give it credit for my success!”

“Mmmm, yes, impressive. I’m sure it’d be beneficial as you said.” said Frederick without much enthusiasm. “Alright Derby, it’s your go!”

“O-oh! Why did I want to apply, is the question, right?” they asked.

“Want? You already did! ‘Why DID you reply?’ is the question!” scolded Amos.

“R-right. I’m sorry.” they said as they sunk their brim into their shoulders. Douglas could’ve reached one his long legs and kicked Amos in his ankles if he had any. “Well, I thought I was qualified and I’ve always wanted to be a Something.”

“Ya think yer qualified to be a Something, huh? Why’s that?” asked Frederick who started to eye Derby critically. It may have seemed cruel in some eyes, but Douglas knew he was merely testing Derby’s confidence. It wasn’t ill intentioned but it did make him worry.

“I-i.. I suppose…” they started to say but they trailed off. ‘Yes! I’m just as qualified as the two only Something Twiceovers to ever exist!’ Douglas ever so gently used one of his long legs to nudge Frederick’s. Frederick looked at him and Douglas made a sympathetic look and gestured with his head toward the hat.

“Hows’bout we just come back to ya when ya got an answer.” said Frederick. “Douglas, your move.”

Douglas was mindful to speak extra carefully and extra softly. Instead of bringing his credentials, which he had plenty of, he tried to think of what else to say. There was a feeling in his gut about Derby. A sense of hope and somehow knowing they had a place here. He watched as Derby was fiddling with their hands and was mouthing words to themselves as they thought of what to say.

If it had just been Amos in the room, he would’ve kept this to himself but with Derby around, he decided to tell the truth. “Oh, my intentions are simple. I thought I’d retire from one of my current titles and switch to a job that’s a bit more relaxed. Both of my positions leave me rather high strung now and I figured I’d start to take better care of my health.”

“Please! You’re just itching to be lazy!” scoffed Amos. “You should just retire as a whole, old timer!”

“Lazy?!” gawked Douglas.

“Yes, lazy! Remember I came to your house that one time and what were you doing? Sleeping!”

“When did you come by my house?”

“Exactly! Every good hardworking Thing doesn’t have a sound enough mind to waste time sleeping!”

“That’s because I take decent medication now.”

Frederick put his face in his hands as their spat went on. As the two squabbled back and forth, he saw Derby between his fingers. They were mouthing sentences to themselves and were still focused on the question they had been asked. They didn’t seem bothered by the squabble at all.

Douglas was tired of fighting with Amos and threw his hands up to show he wasn’t interested in it anymore. This was all just plain embarrassing now. They couldn’t say any words that hadn’t been said already. “I’m going to call security.” ”This makes you look stupid.” ”I have blackmail over you.” and the sort. None of it worked anymore. There was just silence now as Amos waited for Douglas to open his mouth again.

“Oh! I got it!” Derby suddenly sprung up and surprised the two Somethings who nearly forgot the hat was there. Derby blushed in embarrassment. “S-sorry.”

“Go ahead, Derby. It’s alright.” said Frederick.

“I’ve always been told,” they started. “That a Nothing couldn’t be a Something but I always felt that’s just not true. I chose this path because I was good at it and I liked it. I just always felt that if I kept going down this route that I’d end up here and I have.” There was silence and Amos said “That’s it?”

“You’ve come a long way, Derby!” remarked Frederick covering Amo’s remark.

“Certainly beats my pitch of wanting to take it easier.” chuckled Douglas.

“Alright, onto my next question-”

To everything’s surprise, Amos stood up and said “Forget it. Being a Something Twiceover is enough work as it is!” and then floated with his arms behind his back and floated out of the room.

There was stunned silence.

“Yet I’m the ‘lazy’ one.” huffed Douglas with an eye roll.

“I guess that just makes two of you then!” chuckled Frederick.

“Actually, sir, I would also like to withdraw my application.”

“Are you sure?”

“I think Derby here is more than a perfect fit for the job!”

Derby whipped their head around to Douglas wide eyed. The realization on Derby’s face warmed his heart. The Thing who was considered a Nothing that morning was going to go to bed a Something tonight. Their whole life was about to change and all Douglas had to do was simply let them.

“Then it’s settled!” cheered Frederick. “Derby, congratulations! You’re the new Something of Archives!”

Douglas Coir felt that it was a huge accomplishment in his life to help another Thing. Derby’s whole life changed and the ‘Nothings’ were hopeful. Now Derby was missing. That wasn’t a fact Douglas focused on though, instead he took a much needed pause to doze in the happiness of those moments.